By Reese Ramos, Director - University Ombuds

Confirming our Assumptions 

In the absence of information, we make up information. When we don’t know something, we speculate. We humans like certainty. We want - no, need - to be certain about things. It’s why some folks are drawn to conspiracy theories; the dots are connected and something that doesn’t make sense, now makes sense.

The same applies when we find ourselves in conflict or tension with others. We make up information. We attribute motive to others. As Stephen Covey, a global authority on leadership, once said, we judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their behavior. And when we judge others by their behavior, we typically make assumptions. And we do this because making assumptions gives us a story that helps us understand what is happening.  But here’s the catch – our assumptions are not necessarily the reality of the situation.

Here’s a powerful story that will help us remember this lesson. Once, a little old wise lady was sitting by a river bank when she noticed that a nearby man was fishing from his canoe that he had anchored to the shore. His back was turned, so he didn’t notice that another canoe was slowly drifting his way. The little old lady got up from where she was sitting and began yelling at the man in the canoe, trying to get his attention. The man in the canoe looked up at her; he couldn’t quite hear what she was yelling about – possibly about him needing to move? How dare she, he thought. He was just fishing.  What business of hers was it what he was doing?  Just then, the incoming canoe hit the man’s canoe, and he fell into the water. He began yelling at the other canoe – how could the owner be so reckless?  He hoisted himself back onto his canoe, and when looked at the other canoe, he saw that it was empty, having drifted away from its mooring. No one actually had intended to hit him. And the little old lady was just trying to warn him.

When we are in conflict, time and time again, we make similar assumptions about others. We often immediately conclude what their intentions are without getting curious and seeing what else the situation could mean. When we get curious about a situation, we open ourselves up to the possibility that the narrative we are telling ourselves is completely off base. It might be, just like the fisherman in the canoe, wrong. And, here’s the neat thing, sometimes we’ll even validate the narrative. We’ll find out we were right after all. The difference is, it’s been verified.

Remember Sherlock Holmes? He was always inquisitive and didn’t jump to conclusions. Only after examining and analyzing the situation did he get to the solution. Same with conflict. By getting curious and asking questions we might start seeing the problem from a different angle. So, next time you’re in conflict, imagine putting on that Sherlock Holmes cap and asking yourself the following questions:

  • Will making this person wrong help me in resolving this matter?
  • What’s the meaning I’m giving the situation? Could there be another meaning?
  • Could I be misperceiving or misinterpreting the problem?
  • Do I have all the information I could possibly know so I can have absolute certainty about what is truly going on?
  • What do I truly need from the other person? And what could they need from me?
  • What assumptions about me could they be making?

This starting list of questions is just that – a starting list. What else would you ask to confirm your assumptions?