By Reese Ramos, Director - University Ombuds

Gobble, Don’t Squabble: A Hokie’s Playbook to Surviving Holiday Family Dinners

“You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends.”
— Harper Lee (more or less paraphrased)

Sure, we can get into the nuances — that perhaps we can choose who our “family” truly is (kin or not), and that our friends can also be part of that familial circle.

But for today’s little ditty, I wanted to highlight that as the holidays approach — and whether you eat turkey or tofurky, celebrate Thanksgiving or not — this time of year tends to be the season filled with celebrations, commemorations, and dinner gatherings with family members you might not necessarily have picked. You know the ones I’m talking about, the ones you might dread interacting with.

Dinner and drinks always sound like a delightful time — until (most likely) someone opens their mouth (perhaps after one too many of Grandma’s “special” drinks). And, instead of shoveling in some of that good ol’ sweet potato casserole or honey butter biscuits, they decide to talk about… well, fill in the blank with whatever topic you’d rather not discuss at the holiday table. The topic could be just about anything (see my list of “The Three Things We Don’t Talk About* — But Perhaps We Should” for some examples).

And yes, the last time I checked, freedom of speech was still in the Bill of Rights and so I’m not here to tell you whether or not you should speak your mind — just to help you enjoy the holidays a bit more with this simple, slightly light-hearted, but effective playbook:

1. Set the Stage

Before the gathering, let people know — especially if you’re the host (or ask the host to do this) — what the intent of the dinner is. Are we gathering to stuff ourselves with 9 varieties of pie, watch a bunch of guys play football or get into debates about whose ideology is right? By explicitly letting family and guests know what the expectations are for the gathering we can better plant the seed of what is being envisioned for this moment.

I asked my buddy ChatGPT for a short, warm message, explicitly stating the purpose of a family dinner and here’s what it crafted:

Hi everyone!
Just a quick note before we gather — the goal of our holiday dinner is simple: good food, good company, and plenty of laughs. Let’s keep the focus on enjoying each other’s presence and steer clear of any topics that might spark debate.
Can’t wait to see you all and share a wonderful, peaceful evening together!

Now, you and I both know that no family is complete without its mix of personalities: the peacemaker (that’s the one always stepping in to keep folks calm), the hero (that’s the one that will step up to do what others do not), the cheerleader (that’s the one that always sees the silver lining in all things), and of course, the one who’ll probably take the above message as a call to arms — the rebel/troublemaker (that’s the one that is consistently the contrarian).

That family member is going to do whatever they want. The goal in setting the stage isn’t to impose a gag order but to set the tone and plant the seed about the purpose of the gathering. By reminding the rule-followers of the shared intent, you can minimize uncomfortable moments before they spiral at the actual gathering.

2. Enforce the Expectation

Someone is most likely the host of this shindig — which means it’s their castle and, therefore, their rules.

Assuming they agree with keeping the peace, that person should be ready to step in (or assign someone — and trust me, there’s always a family member perfect for the role of enforcer) to nip in the bud the first sign of a heated topic.

If having someone as the enforcer is not realistic for whatever reason, you can still decide what your own boundaries are and stay in control of your responses. It might be someone else’s house, but you still have domain over your own internal house of the mind.

That means you have the power to be a relentless guardian of what you listen to, what you let into your mental space, and what you allow to trigger you. Be intentional in who, and what, you engage with.

(To explore more on how not to be triggered or reactive, check out this resource on our Virginia Tech Ombuds website.)

 3. Create the Space

Alas, there’s always someone who just can’t stop jabbering away (if they have their own podcast or more than three bumper stickers on their car, that might be a clue as to which family member will undoubtedly let you know what their beliefs are). If you’re not sure who that might be, dear, occasional reader, that special family member might be you.

Some folks are simply up for a squabble — so be open to providing a space (preferably not at the dinner table) where those who voluntarily consent to debate can gather.

Throw them in the basement, the den, or somewhere else where they can spar safely. Others can easily join, leave, or — because it can be quite entertaining — simply watch.

If family members are truly open to dialogue — where everyone is willing to learn from others rather than just try to convince them — check out my prior blog post, “Civil Discourse: Engaging the Demons in Our Lives,” and the accompanying handout you’ll find in that post.

 4. Commit to What Matters Most

Years from now, when you look back on your most memorable holiday meals, will they be the ones that spiraled into chaos and ended in a literal food fight?

Or, will they be magical ones that remind you what family is truly about?

Though it might feel obligatory at times, my bet is that most of us gather with our families during the holidays because we want to experience the best of each other’s presence — even if just for a fleeting moment.

Remember - families change over time. People get sick and die. People separate. People move away. Sometimes, sadly, people just leave us — in one form or another. And sometimes, babies are born. New people join the family. And so, who is “family” continues. No matter who is part of that circle we deem as family, choose to experience the best in your family — and commit to being the best for them, too.