“Fear is a thief. It takes the past and it projects it into the future. And, it robs you of the only opportunity you have to create change.” – (Singer-Songwriter) Jewel

When we are in disagreement with someone, and we are in a state of fear, we tend to avoid, accommodate or amplify the conflict. At best, we compromise out of fear.

Fear, which I’m defining as a strong physical reaction in our body and mind that is caused by the anticipation or awareness of danger, makes us react to conflict. And when we react, it usually doesn’t solve the problem. To be clear though, if the threat is physical (e.g., a lion, tiger or bear jumps out of the woods) then fear is actually a very good emotion to have because it might make the difference in surviving the moment. Years ago there was a story about a mother up in Quebec that came across a 700-pound polar bear and, confronted with the fear that the polar bear might attack her son, she fought the bear off. Quite often though, many of the actual lions, tigers and bears we encounter are people. And fear prevents us from managing conflict.

Here is a sampling of several types of fear that interfere with managing conflict:

  • Fear of offending others
  • Fear of escalating the conflict
  • Fear of criticism
  • Fear that we won’t be understood
  • Fear of retaliation
  • Fear of being blamed

These are not the only types of fear we often encounter but it’s easy to see how fear can prevent us from responding to the person from a better place, what I call a “responsive state.”

So how best to overcome fear and create a responsive state? It seems contrarian but one of the solutions is to use fear and turn it in on itself. In other words, get even more fearful. Not by staying in the original state of fear but by using fear to get out of that stuck place. Here are some questions we can begin to ask ourselves to manage fear:  

What is staying in this state of fear costing you in the moment?

  • What has it maybe cost you in the past?
  • What will it cost you long-term if you don’t transcend this fear?
  • Can you trade temporary discomfort for long-term regret?
  • If you can identify the type of fear you have and we can somehow get that issue addressed (e.g, fear of escalating the conflict) would you feel the same about the conflict?
  • What will it mean if you can break through your fear? What will you gain?

Asking such questions will help us identify what is important to us in the conflict. Additionally, we start associating emotional discomfort with not managing the conflict effectively. In other words, we consciously begin understanding that avoiding the things we fear will result in a greater loss of some sort, and the fear of that reality can actually propel us to take action to avoid that reality.

Here's an example of a situation that comes to mind where someone applied these questions and was able to take positive action: An individual, we’ll call them Jack, was avoiding a conversation with a colleague because they were afraid of escalating the conflict. They felt certain their colleague wasn’t going to be open to the conversation and so fear kept them from trying to initiate a conversation. In their mind they concluded that they would either have to quit their job or stay miserable. Misery wasn’t something they wanted to experience and so they were seriously considering resigning. It wasn’t until they began answering some of the questions above that they begin experiencing a different kind of fear –the fear of actually not knowing if they had quit prematurely just to avoid a conversation. In other words, they became afraid of regretting their decision.  They attempted one final time, and to their surprise their colleague was actually very responsive and more than willing to address their concerns. That outcome would never have had happened if they hadn’t taken their initial fear and turned it on itself.

We should never act out of unexamined fear but we can act out of fear if we are conscious about it.