By Reese Ramos, Director - University Ombuds

They were in league with the devil. They were witches. Or so the story goes. During the Salem Witch Trials, 20 people died as a result of accusations that they were witches.

Around this time of year, there's a viral story that makes the rounds on social media. As best as I can tell, the original source for this story is either an author named Emine Fougner or, possibly, that ever-classic television show from the '90s, Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Or maybe neither. If you have better intel, let me know, and I'll give the author proper credit. It's one of those "I have a friend who experienced this" types of stories. Regardless of the actual source, it's a powerful story that can help us when we are navigating conflict.

(For extra effect, dim the lights). Here’s the tale:

Once upon a time, a teacher gave the class a group exercise:

"For purposes of this exercise, I'm going to come around and whisper to each of you whether you're a witch or a regular person. Don't tell anyone.

Here's the objective: Build the largest group possible that does not have a witch in it. At the end, any group found to include a witch gets a failing grade. You could be a group of 10, and if there's even one witch, your group will fail this assignment. You could be a group of two, and if neither of you is a witch, that's good. But the bigger the group, the more points I will assign. Oh, and witches, you only get a passing grade if you end up in a group and so you must trick others into believing you’re one of them."

The students began putting each other under a magnifying glass, asking questions and doubting those who seemed untruthful or awkward in their interactions.

Groups started forming, with some students completely excluded because they gave the impression that they were witches.

Time was up.

"Time to find out who the witches were. All witches, please raise your hands."

No one raised a hand.

The kids were confused. Surely, the students thought, the witches were lying. Or perhaps the teacher had somehow messed up the assignment.

"Did I? Was anyone during the Salem Witch Trials an actual witch? Or, did everyone just believe what they'd been told?"

In conflict, what's the story you're telling yourself? What beliefs do you hold about others? It matters because the stories and beliefs we carry into disagreements have consequences. During the Salem Witch Trials, 20 people, women and men, died. Nineteen were hanged, one was pressed to death by heavy stones, and (though not always officially counted) five additional people perished in jail.

Nowadays, we don't (typically) go around trying to identify who is a witch. But we still form beliefs about "others." Sometimes we're unsure about their motives or why someone might be doing something. We often have gaps in information during conflict.

I've always believed that in the absence of information, we make up information.

We then look for evidence and confirmation of the story we've begun telling ourselves. Confirmation of the story we're creating about the situation. About the other person (or persons).

I wrote a similar blog post a while back on the Great Pumpkin and the power of beliefs, which you can check out for more on confirmation bias.

For now, here is a starting list of questions to help you step back from the story you've begun crafting. And don't get me wrong, you might eventually be right about the story you've concocted about the other person. But this starting list of questions can help us verify our assumptions before treating them as facts.

13 Questions (see what I did there) to Help You Challenge the Story You're Telling Yourself:

  1. What did I directly see or hear, versus what am I assuming?
  2. What information might I be missing?
  3. Am I treating my interpretation as though it were a fact?
  4. Am I assuming I know why this person behaved the way they did?
  5. Have I confused the impact of their behavior with their intention?
  6. What are three other possible explanations for their behavior?
  7. If someone I liked or trusted behaved this way, would I interpret it differently?
  8. How are my emotions or past experiences influencing my interpretation of this situation?
  9. How might the other person describe this same situation?
  10. What legitimate needs the other person has might explain their actions?
  11. Am I selectively noticing information that confirms what I already believe?
  12. Have I actually asked the other person what they meant?
  13. What question could open dialogue and perhaps bring clarity?

And, because this is just a starting list of questions, what else might you ask yourself?